Ch-ch-ch-changes

Have you ever realized that you needed to make a change in your life? You know, a change like ending a friendship, getting a new job, or even updating your wardrobe? Every once in a while, we need to do this. It keeps us renewed, replenished and just simply aware of what's going on in our own lives. I decided it's time to make a change, and this is how I come upon this realization.

A co-worker asked me if I'd like to join a few others in drinks after work. I love a good happy hour so I readily agreed. The evening started out simply enough with cocktails celebrating the new Sex and The City movie. They had four signature cocktails inspired by the movie and although I didn't want to try all of them, I certainly was happy to sample a couple of them. And sample I did.

At last count, I had drank five cocktails. Mind you, I lost count at this point and you can bet I probably had more than those five. Two of the others had left and it was just me and the co-worker that had extended the invitation. We made our way over to another spot with drink specials. My memory at this point just stops and I have absolutely no recollection of what happened at the second spot. It returns later in the evening with me standing by the side of the road waiting for the bus. Of course, that bus wasn't coming. It was well after 1am, and they stop running at 12:30am.

I remember sitting to collect my thoughts and see several cabs drive by. That's it! I'll get a cab. My only other option is to walk up the hill, which is the only way for me to get home. There is no way I can navigate the high-grade, extremely winding road. I run across the street where I see the cabs coming from. A car halts directly in front of me.

Two men are in the car and they ask me if I need a ride. I say no, I'm going to get a cab. Apparently, I was quite intoxicated because they continued to ask me if I wanted a ride, even if just to the cab-stand. Once again, I decline. These two gentleman spoke to me in thick Russian accents. I had no idea who they are and I briefly imagine my own death at their hands. I start to walk away when one of them tells me they are genuinely concerned for my well-being. I finally accept.

They give me a ride home, which takes less than five minutes. I ask them to stop at an ATM so I can at least give them some cash for the ride. They do that, I give them $10, I go inside and presumably, they go home. In the morning, I awake to text messages from my co-worker asking me if I made it home alright, am I alive, and "way to disappear". I had no idea what she was talking about. A week or so later, she asked me to meet her at the second spot again, and I had to ask a friend where it was. Despite me being there for a few hours before, I had absolutely no idea where it was.

Folks, this was not good. I drank to excess, so much so that I don't remember a large block of time. I accepted a ride with complete strangers. I'm no spring chicken, I'm a woman by all definitions. But clearly, alcohol wasn't doing me any good. I knew I had to cut down drastically.

Since then, I've gone to plenty of happy hours. But I stop at my four-drink maximum. If I'm with VERY good friends, or my boyfriend, I pay less attention to this number. But when I'm with co-workers or acquaintances, I stick to it with a vengeance. I can't trust myself so I set limits and stick to them. I was told recently that I don't have an addictive personality and I thank heaven for that.

I realized I needed to make a change, and I made it. If I can do inventory on my own life from time to time, or even if something hits me like a ton of bricks, I know I can act accordingly and straighten myself out. Can you?

Weeding the Garden

Yesterday, I got a message on one of those social networking sites. It was from the daughter of a girl with whom I'd gone to high school. I was excited, because I had done a couple google searches of her name but never found anything. We had only gone to high school together for a year before my parents moved me across the country. We remained in touch throughout the years, but lost touch probably within the last 11 years.

Prior to this message, I found another old work chum on that same social networking site. She and I had formed a strong friendship over a period of several years. She ended up moving to another state and then so did I. When I did find her and we reconnected, I was excited that I had my old friend back.

Now that I've moved into adulthood and met new people, I recently started thinking about the people who are in my life for no particular reason. We may share texts, or emails, or maybe even a lunch or dinner together. But they're not really a friend that I'd count on if I ever needed anything, or vice versa. So what do I do with these people?

I slowly began to realize that I needed to start weeding out the people that are not essential to my life. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am only getting rid of people that don't benefit ME somehow. It's mutual really. An example would be men who I dated before. I have a boyfriend, who I'm content with. They have wives or girlfriends, or maybe not, and at this point it's just not appropriate for us to be sending frivolous texts, emails or having meals together. Some are people who I knew in passing when I saw said men and when I do speak with them, it's about events in my past that I'm more than happy to leave in my past. Catch my drift here?

As I thought about these things, and made the decision to weed out certain individuals, I got a call from none other than my ex-husband. Turns out he and his girlfriend were having issues in their relationship and he wanted to talk to me about them. I'm not sure why folks. We were married for over 17 years but the marriage didn't end well and I realized he was a perfect candidate for being weeded out. I had no desire to talk to him about anything at all, much less his relationship problems.

I don't know what made him think it was appropriate for him to consult me, so I can only assume that maybe *I* made him think that. I put an end to it. I asked him to stop calling me, and more importantly, I asked him not to bring me up in any conversations he had with his girlfriend. We have both moved on to other relationships and relying on each other for anything is not necessary. Some of you may think that because he spent so much time with me, he felt that he could count on me to tell him the truth, or understand where he was coming from. Well, that's true. And because he can count on me to tell him the truth, I told him I didn't want him in my life anymore, nor did I want to be in his life. This wasn't easy for me. There was a time when we had been in love, worked out problems together, and consulted each other on major life decisions. But we had grown up, he had become an addict, and it changed everything between us. Where there was once trust and love, there was now suspicion and disdain.

This first weed-pull was especially hard. It forced me to see my life as it is now, as opposed to how it was just three years ago. Moving forward requires logical thinking with little to no emotional consideration. It's a whole new world for me. One weed down, so many more to go.

The "C" Word

Today my sister told me she has cancer. I am upset and depressed. Others in my shoes would be optimistic, hopeful and positive. I know this, because I once was like this. 18-1/2 years ago, when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, all those things applied to me. But as those three short months went by and he lost his battle before my eyes, I became hardened.

Let me make this clear, I want to be optimistic, hopeful and positive. I want to feel that way more than I can say. But I don't. All I can do is cry. Because I know all the hoping and praying and pleading won't change the outcome. It reminds me of Steelers fans. They have these crazy superstitions when it comes to what they do/wear/eat during a football game. Some of them have a special way they lay their terrible towel on top of the TV. Others have a good luck jersey. Some of them only eat wings made from Frank's Hot Sauce. Whatever their superstition is, they believe doing/wearing/eating that will make the Steelers win. But really the Steelers will win or lose regardless. And that's how it is. Whether I'm optimistic or pessimistic, hopeful or cynical, positive or negative, what will be will be.

But my sister. My sister. She's the world's greatest mom. A much better mom than I could ever hope to be. First of all, she's a stay-at-home mom. She's ever-present in her children's lives. She makes sure each one of her kids has their own personality and she caters to their preferences. I encourage independence in my kids. She's devoted to her family. I remember once her husband wanted to move from L.A. to Vegas. My sister wouldn't do it. She couldn't be away from her parents. I moved across the country without a thought.

To make a long story short, when my sister told me about this cancerous lump, I was in the middle of my own health crisis. But I automatically thought, "Why HER? She doesn't deserve this. I can handle it, not her". But things will be as they should no matter what I do, wear, or eat.

So I sit here and cry. Because that's what I feel like doing. I don't want my sister to have to go through this. I want her to go shopping at Sam's Club. I don't want her to have to pray quietly before her surgery that things go well. I want her to go to her PTA meetings. I don't want her husband and children to worry about her. I'd rather they wonder what's for dinner.

But things will happen as they happen. And I am upset.

What's Your Music Timeline?

Ever notice how music can take you back to a specific moment in time? I was in the car with my favorite sidekick cranking my ipod. I have a great Party Mix playlist that has everything from Sublime to the Ohio Players to Justin Timberlake to Snoop Dogg to.... you get the picture. To be in my Party Mix, you have to be a song that you either want to hear while you're on your way to a party, or at the party itself. As you know, no self-respecting Party Mix would go without Flashlight by Parliament. My Party Mix has self-respect. So on this specific day, when my sidekick heard the guitar at the beginning of Flashlight, he said (as he's said every single time he hears said guitar riff), "did I ever tell you about the time I performed this when I was in junior high....". And he proceeded to tell me the story yet again.

Later, when Give It Away by the Red Hot Chili Peppers came on, I told him (probably for the gazillionth time) how it reminds me of my friend Keith. Keith died last year and so that song takes me back to a particular Happy Hour when a few of us got in someone's car and that song came on the radio. We all started bobbing to the music and when we realized what we were all doing, we collectively started laughing.

I loved spending time with Keith and Ken, my two sales buddies. Ken and I still are friends. He and I both like the Rolling Stones. We agree that they're much cooler than the Beatles. I told him about how my dad used to play their High Tide and Green Grass 8-track in his Chevy Van back in the early 70's. Whenever we were on a long road trip, my dad would crank that puppy up. To this day, I love that music. It takes me back to the roots of my life. The fact that he liked the Rolling Stones (and still does) automatically makes my dad cool to Ken, who has never met him.

My daughter used to do ethnic dancing. I say ethnic because some of it was Arab, some Spanish, but most was Mexican. She performed in shows at the L.A. County Fair, charity events, weddings, etc. Every year she performed in a big show that included all the children that the instructor taught. This was the only show for which you had to buy a ticket. They had it at a large auditorium and a live Mariachi band would play during a few songs while the girls danced. One particular song was called "La Negra" and every time I'd hear it, I'd get goosebumps, teary-eyed and I'd be filled with pride for my ethnicity. While they danced to this song, the girls wore the traditional Mexican dresses and made them flow to the music while they stomped their feet to the beat. I was so proud that this little white daughter of mine had pride in her ethnicity. Nowadays, whenever I hear La Negra, it takes me back to that box seat at the San Gabriel Civic Auditorium.

About 18 years ago, I mecca'd from Los Angeles. back to Lansing, Michigan (where I was born). I spent the summer there hanging out with the friends I'd left just a year before when my family moved across the country. While I was there, we spent a whole lot of time partying. We were young, restless, and literally had no cares in the world. There was an older lady (probably my age now) who used to let us come over and hang out with her son and his friend. Aside from the partying, it was all very innocent. We'd put on records (yup, full blown long playing records) and play Eucher. I could never play Eucher now, I'd have to relearn the game. But I'm pretty sure I still remember all the words to Van Halen II, and REO Speedwagon's You Can Tune a Piano But You Can't Tuna Fish". We would go down to her basement, someone would put those two albums on the turntable and turn it on. We knew every song from both sides. Sometimes we'd mix it up with some Styx or maybe Bob Seger, but that was rare.

When I was a kid, I loved Lady Marmalade by Labelle. To this day, I can't figure out why my parents let me play that record over and over and over again. If you know my parents, you'll understand why I say that. If you don't know my parents, suffice it to say they are religeously conservative. When I hear the words, I just shake my head now. Either they never listened to them, or they figured I had no idea what they meant (I didn't).

The things I've mentioned in this blog aren't necessarily important, life-changing moments. But whenever I hear any song that reminds me of a certain person or time frame, well, it makes that person or time significant. What does your life music timeline look like? Whether it's rock, hip-hop, ska, country, alternative, reggae, or even ethnic, it's full of moments in your life that are waiting their turn to come to your memory.

States of the Union

I actually plagerized this post from another site, but I liked it so much, I decided to add it to mine too. Feel free to steal it yourself!

Bold the states you’ve been to, underline the states you’ve lived in and italicize the state you’re in now…

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /

I had the benefit of growing up with parents who took us on vacation every year.... and drove! We lived in the mid-west, and vacationed in California, taking the north route on the way there, the south route on the way home - camping the entire time. So I've seen many states and have so many fond memories of them!

Time Heals All Wounds?

The title of this blog is the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. There are some wounds that time cannot heal.

Every year, I dread the last week of January. I dread it because 18 years ago, January 30, 1991, the love of my life lost his battle with cancer. I dread remembering him telling me he didn't have a fight in him anymore and he just wanted to die. I dread hearing his response to me asking him didn't he want to spend the rest of his life with me and our children, and their children, which was, "No I just want to die now". Those words have stuck in my head since then. I've felt unloveable, inferior, unworthy, etc. Pick any word that you can think of when you realize that someone would rather die, than fight to be with you. I know now that he was in pain and very sick, but knowing this doesn't seem to take away the feelings of not being good enough.

I dread the thought of getting that call at work from the hospital social worker, telling me to come to the hospital immediately. They wouldn't tell me why, but I knew. It was the only day in his fight that I didn't go see him during my lunch because I had to take our tax documents to the accountant. He died alone in his room at 12:14pm. I should have been there, I wasn't, and I've hated myself for it ever since. I dread remembering getting to the hospital first (I worked only a few miles away) and touching his still warm hand, forehead and lips. I dread the feeling of that lifeless hand not holding back. I dreaded having to tell his mother and father, "he's gone". I dread feeling that lump in my throat when I tried to get those two words out. I dread still feeling the weight of his mother in my arms when she collapsed in a heap. I dread remembering the sounds of our sobs, moans, both of us pleading with God. I dread opening my eyes and seeing his father sitting on the floor with his head in his hands, saying, "my boy, my son, my first born". I dread the image of the nurses standing back, but still crying with us.

This week is a week of nothing but dread for me. Time doesn't heal all wounds. There are days and even months that go by and it seems my wounds are healed, but they aren't. This week comes for me and the wounds are gaping, open and raw. They'll never heal.

2009 New Years Resolutions

Normally, I'm the type who avoids New Years resolutions like the plague. They're always something you can never really achieve. This year, I decided to actually make some resolutions. There are so many things I want to resolve to do, but I'm only going to actually commit to doing the things I KNOW I can achieve. After all, what's the point in resolving to do something, if you know you'll just fuck it up somehow?

With that said, here is a list of my 2009 New Years Resolutions, and the reason WHY they are resolutions.

1. Start taking vitamins every day - I did this for several years and was NEVER sick. I stopped taking them when I had some financial problems and couldn't really afford vitamins anymore. I'm back firmly on my feet and I already bought the vitamins. I even have one of those pill holders that have time slots so I can take them at breakfast, lunch, dinner or before bed.

2. Take my prescribed medication every day - Relax people, it's medication for asthma. But sometimes I forget to take it and then I get a little weezy. This sucks. If I use that fancy pill holder I mentioned up there, this shouldn't be a problem.

3. Take my lunch to work at least three days a week - I will actually try to do it five days a week, but three is actually more realistic. I figure if I spend $10 a day on lunch, this will save me $30 a week, or $1,560 over a years' time. Of course, I'll spend part of this on groceries for lunch, so I'm estimating I can save about $1,000 over a year. That's alot of money. If I take my lunch five days, then that's just more money in the cookie jar.

4. Go back to volunteering - For the past 10 years, I volunteered as a peer counselor. I had to stop last fall when a family member got very sick. But he's back to normal and I'll start volunteering again in February. This only requires two evenings a month for me. Not a hard thing to do.

5. Lose more weight - I lost a bit of weight in 2008, without really trying, and I'd like to continue to do so. Like I said, I wasn't really trying before and lost double-digits. If I pack my lunch with healthier foods, this shouldn't be too hard. Notice how I didn't give myself an amount to lose? I did that on purpose. When you say things like, "I resolve to lose 15 pounds", then any weight loss that isn't at least 15 pounds seems unsuccessful. If I lose anything, I'll be happy.

There it is. See, that wasn't so bad! I'd also like to do other things, but I'm not going to resolve to do them. Some of those things are get a little more active, make better decisions where men are concerned and to keep better touch with my family. But those things are harder to put a bead on so I'll keep them in the back of my mind and hope for the best.