The "C" Word

Today my sister told me she has cancer. I am upset and depressed. Others in my shoes would be optimistic, hopeful and positive. I know this, because I once was like this. 18-1/2 years ago, when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, all those things applied to me. But as those three short months went by and he lost his battle before my eyes, I became hardened.

Let me make this clear, I want to be optimistic, hopeful and positive. I want to feel that way more than I can say. But I don't. All I can do is cry. Because I know all the hoping and praying and pleading won't change the outcome. It reminds me of Steelers fans. They have these crazy superstitions when it comes to what they do/wear/eat during a football game. Some of them have a special way they lay their terrible towel on top of the TV. Others have a good luck jersey. Some of them only eat wings made from Frank's Hot Sauce. Whatever their superstition is, they believe doing/wearing/eating that will make the Steelers win. But really the Steelers will win or lose regardless. And that's how it is. Whether I'm optimistic or pessimistic, hopeful or cynical, positive or negative, what will be will be.

But my sister. My sister. She's the world's greatest mom. A much better mom than I could ever hope to be. First of all, she's a stay-at-home mom. She's ever-present in her children's lives. She makes sure each one of her kids has their own personality and she caters to their preferences. I encourage independence in my kids. She's devoted to her family. I remember once her husband wanted to move from L.A. to Vegas. My sister wouldn't do it. She couldn't be away from her parents. I moved across the country without a thought.

To make a long story short, when my sister told me about this cancerous lump, I was in the middle of my own health crisis. But I automatically thought, "Why HER? She doesn't deserve this. I can handle it, not her". But things will be as they should no matter what I do, wear, or eat.

So I sit here and cry. Because that's what I feel like doing. I don't want my sister to have to go through this. I want her to go shopping at Sam's Club. I don't want her to have to pray quietly before her surgery that things go well. I want her to go to her PTA meetings. I don't want her husband and children to worry about her. I'd rather they wonder what's for dinner.

But things will happen as they happen. And I am upset.