My Irresistible Hair

I have irresistible hair to certain people that ride public transportation. Seriously, I do. My hair makes them do some crazy things. I'm guessing my hair got this way back in 2004, but I'm not sure what pushed it over the edge. Is it the color I switched to back then - a medium brown with caramel highlights? It can't be the style, it's been changed several times with equal results. My hair is kind of like a serial killer - it seduced someone once, went into hibernation for a few years, and now seems to be making a comeback.

Let me start out by saying I'm not a young woman. I'm not exactly old either. Most people can't believe my age when I tell them, but I take care of myself and have good grooming. Truth be told, I'm moderatly attractive, but by no means hot. If you saw me, you'd never believe I had this problem, unless you uhhhh, fell victim to my hair.

I realize that by talking about this, people that know me will know that I posted this. But I don't care anymore. I can't take having criminal hair anymore. I'm ready to shave my head. Let me share with you the havoc my hair is causing.

1. It was mid 2004 and I was sitting on the bus, reading some Tess Gerritson, when a woman's voice behind me shrieks, "You're disgusting, this is the second time I've seen you do that!". She's yelling at the man in the seat behind me. As she's bee-lining toward the front of the bus, she taps me on the shoulder and tells me "If I were you, I'd move seats!" I immediately look down because I can only imagine he's taking a leak on the bus and I want to move my feet before it gets on my shoes. She reaches the driver, starts talking to him, they both turn and look in my direction, and I immediately point at the guy sitting behind me, so as not to make anyone think I was the trouble-maker. The bus drivers motions and the guy sullenly gets up and exits the bus. Guess what folks? He was masturbating in the seat behind me, and while he's wacking away, he's gently carressing my hair between his fingers as it innocently hangs on the bar of my seat. Ew, just ew. To answer your obvious question, no, he did not wack to fruition. To answer some non-obvious questions, I actually had to give a deposition as to being "sexually harrassed" by this guy (the law's words, not mine). It seems the woman who busted him in action went to Port Authority Police, who, with her help, found the guy and pressed charges against him. These charges probably would have been dropped had the woman not found me, and then notified the PA Police, who took my statement.

2. I'm sitting on the T this time in mid 2007 listening to House of Pain on my ipod. Now people, at this point I've already learned to sit either with my back to something impenetrable, or not sit in front of any guy. However, this day had a packed T and not much choice of seats. I hear a couple grunts behind me and simultaneously, feel the hand move through my hair. I jerk around and blurt, "Don't TOUCH my hair!" and quickly move to another seat as he's breathing hard and smiling at me. I immediately text a friend to tell him of my crazy hair being off of seduction hiatus.

3. Now I'm on a different bus in December 2007 enjoying a little James Ellroy. I'm sitting in front of a woman with a little boy, about a year or two old. The little boy touches my hair. I turn around and laugh nervously. The mother tells him to stop. He can't stop. He's drawn to my hair like alot of other guys who ride public transportation. I finally get up and move, while the mother apologizes profusely. All I can do is muster, "It's okay, it happens alot". Once again, I text my friend and tell him even little boys like my hair.

4. Last week, I got my hair colored a little differently, and got a good bit of length cut off. I thought that would teach my hair a lesson. But nooooo. This morning I was riding the bus at a rediculously early hour. As I'm exiting downtown around 6:00am, a guy reaches out and touches the back of my hair. I whip around with the intent to hit him with my Amy Tan book and he's just sitting there smiling. I do nothing but shake my head and sigh. I am resigned to the fact that my hair is just plain nutso. I don't have to text my friend this time, he'll find out when he reads today's R&R.

So please, if you see someone and you're drawn to touch their hair, don't do it. They're probably already creeped out by their own hair and you won't be helping matters.