When I Grow Up....

A good friend recently asked me, "when did I grow up?" I laughed and responded, "uuuuhh, yesterday?" It was a good laugh, but it got me thinking. When did I grow up? Have I actually grown up? And what exactly is the meaning of being grown up?

If growing up means my body is done growing and I'm adult, I suppose I'm grown up. But if it means I actually know what is my role in this thing called life, well, then I'm still a punk. Does being grown up just mean being responsible? If that's the case I'm your girl.

Folks, I can look back in life and see moments where I did some growing up right there in that moment. Did I grow up on my wedding day? Did I grow up when I bought my first house? No, it wasn't those things. It has to be when my husband died. Losing my husband to cancer was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. He was diagnosed and died in three months. We had those hopes and dreams of every young couple. But you grow up alot when you don't just realize that things will never be the same, but you accept that fact.

The day before he died, he said to me, "I can't do this anymore, I just want to die now". And I held his hand, and scratched his head and said, "Don't you want to be married to me forever? Don't you want to grow old together like we planned, grandkids running around our legs?" And he closed his eyes, exhaled and said, "No, I just want to go". He died less than 24 hours later.

He had been a young, 28 year old, successful, vibrant young man, his blond hair and baby-blue eyes shone in the sun. He was always friendly and smiling, and always saw the good in other people, much to the dismay of my skeptical self. His 6'4" frame (he always said 6'5", but I knew better) was a slim 175 pounds, but folks, he was perfection in my eyes. When he died, he was a mere 120 pounds, his cheeks were sunken in and his chest made a rattling rasp when he inhaled.

My life changed forever that moment. Not the moment he died, but the moment that he told me he didn't want to grow old with me. I knew it was the disease talking, the pain he was experiencing, and the desperation he had to be away from those things. But I learned in that moment that there are things that can happen to you that will change your outlook on life, your priorities and your goals in life. I learned that there are things that can happen to you that will shake you to your core and make you feel ways you never thought you'd feel. And I learned that bad things really do happen to good people. And that is when I grew up.